You are massive. I am small. You probably don’t even know me personally. I’m okay with that. How does it feel to be a floating sphere close to a star that will soon engulf you? To be so close to oblivion you can feel the warmth on your skin? I don’t suppose you can answer that, because I really can’t. I mean, I’m on you. In you? Ew. I’m in this whole life thing with you.
It’s rough, isn’t it? You wake up and sleep. Horrible things happen in your dreams, too, as people roam around your empty streets with flickering lights above them doing secret things. Quiet things that they want no one else to know of. Sticky figures lurk in your dark colors as you close your else. I think that’s why we lock our doors at night, so those creatures can’t get in.
We shut of, you know? We turn into weird vegetables contained in glass jars with preservation fluids for a few hours. When you get dark, we choose not to be apart of it. I used to think that sleeping was so nice. I didn’t have to deal with anything when I was in my Super Girl pijamas tucked underneath layers. It was a safe experience. I even used to thing that sleeping was like death and it didn’t seem so scary for a while. Sadly, that’s no longer the case. I don’t sleep much anymore. I choose not to process some things, so my subconscious brain creates theatrical performances detailing my worst fears. Friends as puppets dancing around on the stage of my brain taunt me with horrible scenarios and my worst fears. Garage doors cut me in half. There are haunted houses and deserts with no sign of civilization anywhere. Loved ones hurt me and yell at me. I run up stairs naked forever, never really reaching the top. People swarm around me and hit me or grab me. It never ends and those nightmares are every night.
Sure, there are emotional explanations to my dreams that I’ve figured out, but it’s hard to stop them. I don’t even know if it is possible anymore. But every night, I put lavender oil in a humidifier, take a hot shower, read, and try my best to fall asleep peacefully. I just can’t do it. I crave sleep during the day, yet I am so afraid to fall asleep every night when given the chance to do so.
Do you ever feel empty? With billions of people swarming within you constantly, do you ever just feel empty? I hope you do, because then it might not make me feel so guilty. There are people in my life, people who love me dearly. I’m surrounded by them, but sometimes I just feel like I’m in a glass box and they’re admiring me from outside. I allow them to see what I want them to see so maybe that way they won’t get hurt. It’s silly, really, but being alone is far better than dragging the rest of the world down with you. You seem pretty nice, I don’t want to take you down, too.
Don’t worry about me, I’ll be okay. Someday.