Long time

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It’s been a while. So hello to the select handful of people who read this, the majority of those readers being my family, I presume.

I finished my freshman year of high school today. And boy oh boy, does it feel good.

This year has been one of the worst of my life, and this isn’t just an angsty teen ranting about how bad her life is from behind a computer screen. I’m not bummed out because not enough people liked my instagram photo or that no one saw my snapchat story. I’m not sad because I’m leaving my friends for the summer or that a boy doesn’t like me. When I say my year was bad, I really do mean it.

I’ve lost a lot of people this year and walked out of those doors without the people I walked in with. High school granted me a freedom to separate myself from those whom I no longer had things in common with. It allowed me to step away from people who never really were my friends and were quick to turn on me. Those who never really treated me as a friend, but just as the comedic relief and mom like companion. That was rough because I truly thought that my relationship with these so called friends was good and healthy. Looking back, I realize that the toxicity of the situation mutated my personality and furthered me into an already deep cavern.

Stepping away from all that I knew and putting myself on the line, open to rejection, was terrifying. I had to put on my big girl panties and do what I had to do. I found a new friend group and flourished with people who cared about me and treated me as an equal.

My best friend and I still remained solid, but she was always too far away. I prefer her that way, because we both agree that we’d probably get sick of each other within the first day if we lived any closer to each other.

I hated school, and quite frankly, I still do. I hate the environment and the people there. It is a breeding ground for drama and quite frankly you can’t eat or pee without someone rumoring about that you’re a whore.

“Oh my god… did you see her… eating that sandwhich? SMH does she know how to keep her tongue in her mouth?”

Maybe not that extreme, but certainly close. I had my first boyfriend and immediately it was as if our private affairs of watching Criminal Minds and eating burgers were headlines in the school.

“I hear they smoke weed and have sex!”

“He’s using her for sex!”

Word of advice: if you’re going to spread rumors, at least make them entertaining. Smoking weed and having sex… really? That’s the best the “nerdiest kids of Colorado” can come up with. Maybe you guys aren’t as special as you think you are.

Another thing I gathered this year: never set your own feelings aside to cultivate a relationship rooted in nothing but vanity for someone else. Never be kind. Never ask for forgiveness or apologize. Never attempt to talk it out. Oh and never, ever date someone who truly cares about you if you have someone, who merely threw that person aside, making you feel badly about yourself.

If you couldn’t figure it out, that’s all a load of BS. I’ve spent way too long beating myself up over something that doesn’t matter. About an old friend who plays no role in my life anymore. I wish them the best, I really do. I hope they are happy. Because I’ve learned to always be kind to those who deserve my kindness and respectful to those who don’t.

Also, please keep giving me experiences to write about. I’ve already won a silver medal for one essay, I would be happy to write another or even a story about you. Gladly.

I’ve learned Geometry is not my strength and I’d rather sunbathe on the sun’s surface than retake my course.

I’ve learned that people don’t really care if you wear the same pair of pants every day of the week or if you forget to wash your hair one day. In fact, some English teachers will even be so kind as to point out that you look like a hungover college girl after a party night.

I’ve learned that there is great cell reception in the upper level bathroom and that if you angle yourself correctly in the geometry room, no one can see you sleeping.

I’ve trained myself to eat a whole granola bar in thirty seconds and how to pee in sixty.

I’ve learned that I love biology and that the only reason I am staying at my school is because of my teachers.

Next year will certainly be rough, and even though I’m trying to train my mental illnesses some tricks on how to sit down and chill, I’m sure they will bite my ankles once in a while. Freshman year sucked.

“Suck” is not at term we use at school. We are threatened with detention. But school is out.

so suck it.

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